
I am, several people, rolled up into one. I have
various tasks to complete within a day. Those that are necessary and those I
place upon myself. The fulfillment of my various roles: wife, mother, friend,
teacher, writer, restaurant owner make my world, I find, spicy and enticing. I
am also a hard driver of the person I am and want to become. Rushing at a speed
along the path upon which I walk, often with such an intense pressure I first
realize this, when my knees become weak, bucking underneath me. Or I turn into
a quite space within a deeper part of my being, which viewed from the outside
seems as if I am evasive or cold. It is in these moments that the whisper in me
has taken hold and I am carried to the other side of where I stand. I am
being given what I need to know. Shown how to understand. I demand of me a
level of high expectation that a lot of others would never realize. It can
torture the inner Korus with my thoughts of “getting it right” till I literally
make myself physically sick.
It is what I hope makes my passion to give so abundantly and satisfying for those receiving. It is because I have been born with
an enormous hunger to be loved and hugged, that I have the desire to go out and
give intensively my support further, a thousand fold over if needed. It is also
due to the fact I “see” so much on different levels and although I do not share
this verbally (the various holistic trainings I have or have inherited; as that
is not always good!) I let it flow into what I undertake with the hope that
this empathy transforms itself for those receiving it into a form, that helps
them find their pace and place in life. I do not have to be myself depressed,
have had cancer, be dealing with a life changing situation, be in a marriage
break up, have burnout, just to name but a few areas, to have an insight into
why you are at the stages in life that you are, so as to be able to reach out
to nourish you; to help you through your issue, with my thoughts and words.
This is why I dare to ask:
“Would you even miss me
when I am gone?”
I suppose like any one, if I am honest I would like to
think so but is it the person or the essence of whom I am, that you will miss
or are they one and the same? It could be that you are probably going to miss
what I did for you, when I am gone. Perhaps not the essence of me because you
just have gotten so used to having me around now, you have no idea any more my
real voice. That happens so often in life. You take for granted that which
stands right in front of you. Is your breakfast on the table each morning
because there is "that other half" that always has the bread, butter
and jam ready? Or do you have automatically your shirts ironed ready for
work? Or are all your "appointments" nicely placed in the monthly
calendar? Or the holiday organized down to the last dot and nail.
Have you ever thought about writing your own speech to
those that loved you or said they did, for your funeral? I have heaps of times.
I have visualized my exit often. For it makes me stay alert and aware, in the
present moment, taking responsibility for what I say, do and think. It is
for me a “self-check” that I am being true to the route I am walking along.
Coming from a clear space. Being honest. Loving myself as much as those whose
lives I touch each day. Giving lavishly, without expecting anything back.
I see one variation of my funeral, in that those I
love do exactly that which goes against who I really was, when saying their
goodbyes. It is only their idea of what I stood for. Their view of the
organizer little working machine or slave to routine that I seemed to be to
them. Not words or a ceremony relating to the real me, that of my true
inner core. Why would this be so I ask? Is it because very few take the time to
know me - they are running around grabbing just the edges of what I have said
so later perhaps a few months down the track, when bumping into me, it can
casually be brought up again. No matter if the information is so old hat I have
to think hard about what they are referring to. For them they just feel chuffed
they remembered something which somehow involved me and do not see the
stupidity of their words, due to the topic being long solved or dissolved, no
more a part of my being. Or is it because I am not being clear about the real me?
Actually do you even want one – a funeral that is?
Sorry but we must stay on track here. Let us be honest, it is really only a
money-making action. Life still goes on for those of us still breathing.
The same dramas, panic station attacks or whatever thrills. That is why I loved
“Six feet under” (a HBO cable network series) so much. It is all coffins, dressing you up, makeup over a
cold skin, flowers and champs. Yet it showed the real world still trying
to deal with the remnants of what the dead had left behind. Are you feeling a
little repulsed? I really hope so. Why you ask shaking your head, this is
morbid. So I will tell you.
For the simple reason that we should be embracing and
celebrating life while it is here now, not when it is gone onto another level.
To do this though we must look at what we would have left behind to see perhaps
what we are not doing now! We
celebrate our birth before we even arrive. Baby showers, presents for the
unborn, decorating rooms for the new arrival. Yet our last stage of existence
is hardly ever looked at in advance and can honestly not be described or
guaranteed, by anybody. No matter which belief you follow, no one knows really
what is after the moment of our last breath. I wish no disrespect to your
beliefs, hopes or perhaps the building blocks for how you live now because of
what you expect to get when your dead. I am only concerned about this second we
are now in and whether we are living it intensely, vibrantly and with the
purpose to leave something of value behind. If my words and actions effect only
one soul then I have completed what I came to do – share my love, light and
being with another.
Yet to do this I have to use integrity. Draw
upon my own experiences. Sometimes pictures and tunes take us back to where we
need to go so we can step forward. I have Jimmy Cliff singing in my ears as I
write this and he takes me by the hand down memory lane by telling me "I
can see clearly now" because the sun shows me the way back to dancing with
daisies between my toes, wearing a colourful flower frock, long red hair flying
in circles and smiling with my two front teeth missing because they wanted to
fall out together (so the tooth fairy could bring me extra pennies under the
pillow at night) holding the hands of the first man whom showed me he thought I
was the best thing since sliced white bread ~ my Dad! He did not care if it was
Sunday morning in Hagley Park in Christchurch - "Otautahi"; or if any
one was watching us holding hands, singing loud, spinning around in circles and
laughing. He was showing me what "Aroha" means: compassion,
tenderness, sustaining love. Then I was eight he was 31. Tonight I will call him to tell him how
much I love him for what he continues to give me even now in my adult life. I will never let a moment go by to let
him know of my love for him as he still lives.
Stop what you are doing and take this very moment to
state exactly how you’re feeling – to yourself! If being ignored pisses you
off; voice it. Are you feeling peeved because you have again been over looked;
state it. Are you feeling full of an abundance of joy? Then let it out and
embrace those standing near you. Let them experience the pure essence of you by
expressing exactly your emotions, within this moment you stand in! If you cover
these parts of yourself with a false coat, they will only get confused when you
suddenly “break out” in frustration at not being understood. A one second
explosion from compressed anger causing untold grief is more damaging for all
in the long run. How should they recall you later if you never gave a
clear picture of yourself when living? You did not live life simply. You
complicated it. You were not straight up. You should speak out and walk your
"talk".
If you have kept reading till hear well done. Things
that make us uncomfortable are often because they ask us to look deep down into
our core beliefs. They challenge us to go beyond our comfort zone and for good
reason. We hold so much in. Controlled temperaments. Weighed up decisions.
Balanced, thought through feelings. When I was young, unsure of how others
would feel if I shared who I was, I held often back that which was the true me.
I had yet to learn to love myself. Loving yourself is hard work. Having a
passion for who you are requires trusting yourself. That comes with time. Once
I began to feel the love within me, being honest with who I was, I began to
trust myself to share it. It is like looking at yourself in a mirror and saying
not “I like you, your ok, I can bare you” but “I adore you, you vibrate, sexy
wo-man, let us embrace” to the reflection staring back over the glass shine. It
does not come automatically. It needs you, to take yourself seriously. It
requires that you, know where you stand in life. It is an opening of your real
heart, to letting in a deeper level of love seep into your bone marrow.
Respect should not be given when you cannot be here to
receive it. Acknowledgement of the person you are doesn’t help when you cannot
physically answer with a “thank you”. When I am gone you will miss the fact you
can not hear my cheeky reply to a silly statement, that I laugh at the wrong
moment or right down from my belly in a earthy way or charge like a bull in a
china shop with my at times stubborn opinions or blunt statements. It is
because these traits make up who I am. They are the rough edges to what I hope
others see or feel as the caring, sensitive and reflective person I am deeper
inside. Please do not wait to tell those who you respect, love, care for, need
or enjoy having around, that you enjoy their company, firstly at their funeral.
Take this space you are living in at the present moment to talk, ring, hug,
dance, sing and love with souls whom understand you or at least try too, while
breathing in the air you live with today and not the vapors that hang in the mist of tomorrow.
Be with me now, here. Experiencing the flame
that burns inside me, for creating an area of understanding and support
to the person who is living with you in your own household or working with you
in the office or shares your past but is only separated from you, by a phone
call. The dear souls we share daily our lives with in memories and in
reality. All change begins at home, on our own doorstep. So open up. Speak up. Step forward. Reach for the light within others by being honest towards your own desires.
Turn on your spark for us to see.
I will not write the speech of wishes of what could
have been, to be read at my funeral. Instead I speak out now the desires I have
for our future together and my appreciation of the fact I can step into it with
you by my side! Then when I am walking further on the other side you can raise
your glass of sparkling and say if you have the need:
“Thank the heavens I knew this woman and went
with her into valleys I never dreamed of stepping into and going through. She
shared her whole self, her secrets and passions, her fears and terrors with me
and together it became “our way” because it meant I was able to live with her a
dream she had. We placed it into the reality of now. The fruits of this are
still here to taste. Our efforts have visibility now. We loved. We cried.
We danced. We lived. It was good to have really known her. She revealed herself
to me and by taking her hand; I reached higher than I ever would have because she
showed me how to love me. How to just be. She was true to herself; allowing me to be honest with myself. I love her eternally”.
Koruswhispers