Wednesday, 26 February 2014
Sometimes I wonder, how can one person know that a decision made within a day and placed into action within sixteen weeks will be an extreme test in forming and developing ones character? In a moments excitement you say yes and then the adventure begins that has all the turns and twists of a dramatic novel written for the screen but making perhaps no sense until a long way down the track. Already in the previous twenty-one years you have been through brimstone and fire. What will the future bring is anyone’s guess when you embrace it so lightly, as if life is but a box of roses chocolates to be savoured one after another.
This morning I was revising what I had written so far in my reflecting how a soul develops while stepping along the stony, shell crushed shore, of the scenery of their life story. It is not a story of “I was born, I lived here and I went to school there”. It is the sharing of my decision to take up permanent reside in a foreign land to open a business without a clue of the language spoken there, not even an inkling of how to run a business, no idea of how I would be received and without my immediate family and friends for any form of back up. It is the sharing of my being shown what we all have within us, the possibilities to be able to expand into a person of integrity and perhaps along the way make our own small impression upon humanities evolving. Maybe you might think it more a story of being slightly crazy.
Ok so it is the telling of how I cracked, from within the shell of my own nut casing to break out and grow. Today I know I still am cracking away in some areas. Trying to live within a society that perhaps never will be for me never totally “home”. For to feel absolutely in control of your life you need not only to verbally express yourself but also you need to be able to formulate thoughts and words in the written form as well. To do this in a language that is not your mother tongue requires dedication and knuckling down to pure logistical learning. Sometimes I literally feel I am swimming against the tide. I forget even the basics of my own language let alone my second. Let me give you a practical example here.
Last night I went to the movies and saw a very strange film indeed that had my son cracking up at the absurd storyline and at times poorly rate B style acting. Yet it has not left me alone since. “A Winters Tale” was crazy, disjointed and being watched in the German dubbed version perhaps not giving us the same interpretation of the story as in the original. Yet for me it showed how time could be viewed from so many different perspectives. Within time a life can have a purpose that no one understands or really knows unless you look behind the outer layers or into the overall picture that can spread over generations. The characters involved can seem “cheesy” or plain ridiculous but to whom? In the over all scheme of things perhaps that is just how it is meant to be. The spoken against the written (as this movie came from a novel) form can give a totally different perspective.
I thought what baggage do you carry around with you waiting to be sorted through? Perhaps the load would lighten, if you thought about what you really need in life before opening your arms to all that is offered. Not every item gives or helps you along your way. Something’s just hold you down like a lead weight requiring enormous effort to shift later when you realize these attachments are strangulating your breath. Such as my desire to be able to write perfect German.
I have oodles of textbooks of the grammatical German language on my shelves. Each one has been leafed through and studied. I have been to adult educational schools for learning the “Certificate of Proficiency in German” but broke off as work and family left my brain strained to its limits against the datives and genitives of how and when. Yet I still feel the frustration at not being able to compile a letter without mistakes. I would like to generate a promotional blurb for our business but my Darls reminds me that it sounds splendid in English but falls short of the intention in German. It is a bit like the film yesterday. Something’s need to be seen heard and read in their original form to gain the full jest.
A spring clean is the releasing of not only unwanted items from your cupboards but also from the cubbyholes of your mind. Perhaps that is what I need to do now as spring approaches with my old, dusty wish to be able to grasp writing German. I should throw open the shutters of my mind, let the wind roar through and smell the fresh air of promise to creating something that is uniquely me - “Eng-man”!
Eng-man is the language of Korus. It sometimes is a mixture of English and German. It can be back to front or inside out. It is a bit like “green eggs and ham” - beautiful to look at but hard to swallow. A tongue twister of words that requires some background knowledge to what is being said. Though once you take the time to work through the syllables you can see the plot laid out. The overall written form can suddenly make sense. Korus has had so many scenes that have played out in her life in two languages at once that she needs her own expressional form to really portray what is happening. Even then it can be bamboozling.
My Dad actually used to say “oh that’s just Koru’s way” when I said something that everyone shock their heads at and wondered just where I was at. Eng-man is my way of combating the frustrations of life in a land where I cannot be heard in the written form because my story has to be told verbally otherwise you have absolutely no way of knowing what is going on today. It requires you know the mindset of the land I came from and the one I now live in. Or maybe it actually only needs you to expand your mindset to understanding the strange, the weird and slightly cracked version of life here on earth, which is Koru’s Eng-man talk!
Monday, 24 February 2014
Keeping up with time, making time and having time, are timeless expressions; we all like to use some time or another. They are a means of defining how we see, our segmented sections of life’s experiences and can be each given their individual pocket of space within ones own awareness.
When I participated in competition running events, a lot of the fellow runners had only “keeping up with the time” they had set themselves, as the goal of the day. If perhaps asked afterwards how they experienced the band at kilometre 5 or the old woman handing out homemade cupcakes at kilometre 12 or the silence of being totally alone by kilometre 38, as the crowds had dwindled out; their answer would be - “what? I was running not sight seeing”. Keeping up with time meant for them, not being in the flow of time but rather chasing it.
“Making time” to visit a sick friend who has been ill for months, deal with unwanted clothes that perhaps do not fit your actual body shape any more or clear out your old address book of family and friends no longer alive, all have a different space of time we make, to do the action needed. It is often something we do out of guilt, obligation or sadness but not really desire. Making time for dealing with something that stresses us should rather be seen as giving time for a transition into another phase of growth in our lives. Allowing a space within us to cultivate compassion and acceptance.
Then that “having time ”, is for so many an illusion which they place onto something invisible that resides hidden within the future; out of reach of their daily lives. A dream that perhaps will become they hope a reality when they are 89 and riding their e-bike. Or retired and travelling the world on a one-way ticket. Perhaps when they have paid off the house or the children have left home or … and there is the catch! That “or” keeps popping up to dampen the enthusiasm for taking action now. Instead the “having time” is coupled with restrictions that have an attainable date stamped on it. Far away from the moment you are standing within now.
So many of my friends are amazed what I fit into my life. They ask me “where do you find the time” “how do you manage it all” or “do you have any time for yourself”? The answer is so simple it is almost ridiculous to write it down on paper and to say it, seems even sillier. Yet it has taken me quite a bit of time to get to the stage I am now. I feel I have lived several life times within the short span I have been here due to what I have experienced. Each event, be it taking me into a time of pain or a time of peace; a time of turbulence or a time of tranquillity; a time of uncertainty or a time of clarity has required from me a single action. I have only begun to really understand it in the last year.
It is the usage of applying mindfulness to my life and knowing we have oodles of time when we take out pressurizing ourselves. Mindfulness is the awareness of what is happening at this very single moment. Accepting it is all as it should be. Being part of it. We have each various experiences to live. We need not put earth years to it. It can be here and gone with a single breath. A terminally ill teenager can feel it already, at the age of seventeen. It can be shown to us from the toothless smile of a 110-year-old woman in Asia. Or in the faces of children living within the ravaged refugee camps, on the edge of a war torn land. They are mindful of what evolves around them, with a heightened sense of awareness. For their time has been compressed into only now.
I just know there is a time for everything. I trust simply in the fact that if I have a period of time which is heavy going, there will be a balancing space when the work gets lighter to handle. If I demand too much of myself (and I am a great contender for this title!) I will be pulled up sharply by a begrudging body and made to slow down. If I have a period in which I am creative and my ideas flow there will also be a time when life has other areas that require my attention and I will be forced to lay my work aside. I have time for the balancing of work and play.
If I have a time when I suffer greatly (be it in the physical or mental sense) it is so I can go within and learn compassion towards others, forgiveness towards myself for my own high unrelenting standards or stubborn egoistic nature as well as an acceptance to realizing that each way, is a path of choice and we do not all have to take the same. I have time for the philosophical themes of life. From which I can learn to place empathy into action.
If I have learnt anything in the past forty-eight years it is honestly to have your desire or want list(s) but know that time can get in the way of you being able to put a neat red tick against the item in the column “done” when you care do to so. Maybe you will be asked to lay a particular item upon the back burner, for you first need to learn or understand a very important trait which then allows you to reap the benefits of achieving your “want”; with half the effort and in the end with a lot less time involved.
Mindfulness knows that finding a balance is nurturing for me “less is more”. Pacing my actions whether in work or free time to nourish and care for my soul mind and body. We have time to go from being rushed to being here - it requires only a slight shift of view. Ones own. Not a dictated or subscribed. The true realising of why we are one unit. Not a million fold. My action creates a reaction. Allow that repositioning of your stand to take place more often than not and you will experience a slowing down of time as you age. The feeling of wonder at the world, which you naturally had as a child, will return ten fold and expand. Time is then not your enemy but your companion.
You will feel how you then hold the hand of a soft, gently and wise love essence that knows no limits has no prejudices and requires no payment. It whispers to you to mindfully; step up and step in time with its rhythm, to find your own:
Come hold my hand - Be part of a larger plan.
Take a mindful step, outside of your stand.
Then the world, which you thought, you knew,
will open up, upon another plane.
View now your situation and know
all things are possible,
along the flow of what you call your life.
For it is a rich and vibrant tapestry of
Thursday, 13 February 2014
Getting to know someone takes time, energy and quite a bit of patience I have found. You have to have a certain amount of humour and be prepared to step out of your comfort zone; for often what you could find out, might not be what you would like to know. You can be attracted to a person from their smile, their position in society or their goofy ways. The drawing card to making an acquaintance into a friend can be simply a common passion such as that you both love the movies and sitting down afterwards, over a drink, to discuss the reality of what you have seen and its having rattled around, new ideas in your view to the theme shown. The reward from friendships is you can choose whom you wish to converse to and interact with; hence friends are great to have around.
That is why I adore organizing a time just after my birthday to invite a few friends to me for one of my favourite meals and some great conversation. My friends come because they want to share time with me and I with them. It is not a forced situation of needing to hold pretence of being interested or sympathetic. They as in I too, can relax and be themselves not what the boss expects or Auntie Pam wants or even what is thought to be required.
Recently I gave on one of my social media sights (Instagram) a collection of photos with the beginning title: “This is my birthday week! I will let you in on a few odds and ends about me”. Just a few basic things like my hobbies or living style or passions. If I was a house to explore you could say I was sharing the patio type of information, which you probably mostly could know about me, without having to go inside first. Yet you might need to step up off the lawn and onto the porch and stay a while to learn about that one special fact, which opens up to you about who I am and the changes I have gone or are going through.
Take for example one of my favourite pastimes - reading. I love to read books, magazines, whether online or hard copies; in German or English it doesn't matter. Reading is for me a way to relax, to connect to expanding my knowledge or perhaps challenging my inner views. The expression of oneself and their surrounding environment can be captured so dramatically through words. Hence I gobble up all types of literature to expand the world in which I live, to step beyond the four walls of my house. So what is that “little extra bit” of information needed here to get a rounded picture of me? Well now I am at the point I use Korus's "little helpers" to see the fine print clearly. Something’s do change with aging.
Or what if you desired to know about my health. I have had my issues with dis-ease in my body over the years. It has required me to look carefully at how I nourish myself in mind, spirit and physically. For various reasons I have specific foods that are taboo for my system and others which should be but can be hard to leave out for they can be hidden in everything. I adore food - flavours, textures, aromas and especially cooking it for family and friends where laughter and joy can be savoured with the love of the preparation I used, while planning the meal. I support local produce that is organically grown and simplicity is the key for me to living vibrantly. But it is not till now I let you in on something more personal. I now invite you to take a place on my love seat, on my porch and let you know that if I have been going through a patch of un-balance you see I am getting back on track when I crave raw carrot salad with fresh mustard, horseradish cream. Then Koru's is finding her feet again and ready to dance once more within the rhythm of life. I am sharing my experience.
Or perhaps you feel you know about my family tree. For whenever we think upon birthdays we have the natural tendency to think of family celebrating with and embracing us in love. How treasured that is to be cradled and handled with care if it is what you have. Now as you swing in my love seat on my porch, I am offering you a cup of my favourite tea and letting you know I have a mixed bag of marbles in my family circle. This could be a little shocking, for not all are loving, accepting or even kind. I have learnt that just because you have a giving nature, it does not mean you are protected from harms way, from those near and dear. Friends we can choose; that is definitely a bonus indeed. So as you sit on my love seat, swinging away and sipping an enticing tea I now share something of what I have learnt, as I go through life’s cycles. When our light shines from within outwards to those we love, it can be at times too much for them to take. When this happens it is for us just a part of learning/knowing what is to be your role in this life phase now. How blessed I am at my age to have a darling man and two children who stand by me and love me as I am. I could ask for no more. That is what I am letting you know.
So it is with friendships. We invite you into our lives, our environment and sometimes even off the patio, to go with us inside our home. This does not happen over night but slowly over time and the changing cycles you go through allows the bonds, which have been created to become stronger and more elastic with age. Our making time for a person becomes a giving way to accepting them clothed in their technicoloured coat and loving what we see. Wanting to spend even more minutes in their presence than perhaps time allows.
That is how I feel about friendships. That is how I view the peeling away of the layers of a person to seeing what makes them tick and why. It takes hours from your life. It takes an invested involvement from you. It takes place within the change that occurs as part of life’s gathering years. It is so worth going with the flow of time for then I have an incredible collection of "hundred’s and thousands" memories, to warm me on the colder days when we will not be around for one another be it due to physical distance on this planet or beyond.
I have a best friend whom I live 24/7 with - he is my Darls. I have three girlfriends who know me inside and out and are instantly there for me no matter what distance separates us. Then I have my glorious mixed bag of friends, which I hold together with a call, a meeting, a card sent or letter written, an invitation given. They are each and everyone, worth their weight in gold as they make life worth living for because they bring out the best in me and then some more!
Your outward movements are linear actions
which you term
these circular actions
Together they create
at the moment of exchange,
a spiral form,
which through its concentration;
can only be released,
when allowed to change direction,
hence this is
The result is you return to a linear and circular state of
created by an action,
which lead to a point now known as
“a moment of stillness”
then an opposite counter action was required
“a moment of movement”
so once again there was momentum.
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
This is the week of my Birthday. What exactly is a birth date and to who is it even important? Have you ever wondered about this? I have not only often but also from a very early age onwards. When a young person is placed into a boarding school (for various reasons) at an age when family is the most needed, a birthday becomes a desired and yet painful event. It is a date upon which if the mailman permits, you receive post from home or relatives afar. Perhaps a card or mmmm; just give me a minute here. I am still pondering what else should be included but I know racking my brains wont bring me anywhere. As that is where the memories of my childhood birthdays start and finish.
Buy a simple card. No balloons, cake, singing or partying. No well wishes or celebration dinners. Just a card telling me how special a daughter I was and hoping I would have a lovely day. So did I?
Honestly the date of my birth was lived in no other manner than each and every day under the caring guidance of the nuns. Routine, schedules and obedience were the order of the day and held in place with an iron hand. Only Jesus received special attention for his birth and various life moments. Mine were not of importance. Who did I dare to think I was, to even consider drawing attention towards myself - a complete act of the ego and one to be squashed out of me immediately when and if it raised its ugly head.
I was sixteen and a half when I first experienced what “special” could be and it did not mean I was an “ego-ignoramus “either. I was an exchange student in the United States, living with a German-American family. As I came out to breakfast on the morning of my birthday the table was decorated with flowers, balloons, a cake and candles and presents! Brightly wrapped gifts with ribbons and bows. My name was written on the cake with “Happy Birthday” underneath. I was flabbergasted. All this for me, could it really be. I wondered if I smiled or showed joy would I get beaten afterwards (the love of boarding school had deep roots!) or have something taken away? What still brings goose bumps to my skin, as I reflect back is they sang to me. To me, heavens above! They sang my name with such love as they wished me a joyful day; I still get teary thinking back on that. It was the beginning of knowing, it is ok to love the day you took a breath and came to this world.
Since then, I have noticed that actually celebrating this event, on which I took a chance to come here to earth, to experience life in all its facets, is not easy. Especially as there are a thousand and one different views on what a birthday is exactly and how one can celebrate. Yet I have found my way, although often painfully even as an adult. It has required an honest look at what even the date of my birth means to me first and then others secondly.
My parents loved me dearly that I know but they had their own demons to deal with in the first years of my life and my being placed in a boarding school was a choice of love; from their stand. To receive an excellent education and have a stable home were their main concerns in doing this. That they perhaps themselves had never experienced drum rolls on their birthdays meant they saw the yearly card as ok. That the nuns saw the glorifying of a person upon their day, as blasphemy against their saviour was their choice not mine. So hard feelings that could have developed from such experiences, I will not let even begin to take hold. Why?
For deep down inside of my being, I have always felt that we owe it to ourselves, to celebrate the moment we took a chance to see what life will give us this time around. We choose our parents. We choose our life situations. We experience what we do for a very good reason. It is never easy or pain free. I have the chance to change how I view everything I am given in life. Their lies the answer to why I find birthdays so special - change.
It is the only thing we can count on in this life and it can hold a massive influence on how I go about loving and caring for the most important person in my life - me; before then loving others. For if I care to step through life being the most amazing version of the person I can be, I need first to celebrate the fact I took a chance on life, by drawing that first breath as I was born.
I celebrate the change I go through in life on my birthday. I embrace every wrinkle, worry line and ache I physically experience. Working through sickness or di-ease is a temporary condition. It reminds me I am living. Grey hairs are the wisdom streaks of what I gain over the years and they can easily be covered up by henna if I wish to do so. These are only small hic-cups and they give me a reason to relish the feeling of health. That is a precious gift indeed.
I embrace all the family or friends or complete strangers who have physically hurt me, damaged my self-esteem or wounded my soul for they have not taken the life from me but given me reason to continue to live. They make me go deep with inside my being to ask what are they showing me that could perhaps be experienced differently, if I let go of wanting to continue along the same pathway that I have been walking. My ego should here be hang on the cross as father forgive them for they know not what they do but I can see and learn from them. What a blessing that is, so take heed.
I love my birth date. I think of it weeks ahead of time and thank the grandest power that created me for the chance yet again to live another earth year gathering experience and perhaps placing into action a few of my dreams. I love on this day to cook my favourite foods, drink champagne, invite friends around (if I have to work, I do this on another day when I have off) dance, laugh and smile at the possibilities life has given me and how lucky I am to have been able to perhaps learn from one or the other. I get very emotional as I see how all the experiences I have had to date, over the last forty-seven years have been paving the way for me to stand tall today and give with a grateful heart to all those I am able to embrace. I want to give love on my birthday to the whole world I am a part of. It is what is meant, by knowing that it is your special day. For this is only possible when we realize that we are all special, playing a part in the mosaic of life, which blends together to create a vibrate colourful picture.
My favourite bear Poo, had always the right idea on his birthday, for he would invite Eeyore, Piglet, Owl and Christopher to join him to celebrate; even if the journey to get there took them all on a little detour first. And I think he would say without a blink of his eye; “come and share in my honey pot, for honey is the best thing to celebrate with when the tummy tickles cause of the joy in day, that you feel coming along the way. For there is plenty for everyone; it is the best golden liquid I know of, for such a special day. Let’s celebrate Poo day this way”.
For he knew the secret of giving - unconditionally with love and letting change be part of your life, for it makes it worth living. It is way. It is the best way to celebrate yours and my Birth Day.
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