Wednesday, 12 March 2014

accepting change

Sometimes change requires that you also allow acceptance, to be part of the action required to be undertaken. Change is, as we all know, the one thing that is constantly in motion. Time plays no role without her as a partner. Yet when looking at the two together performing and refusing to see their perfect two step of process across the dance floor of life, you put only yourself in the corner for wall flowers.

I am aching inside since days. The ache has gone into my system and has brought up old health issues. They are so related to what I feel mentally that I know myself, as a Reiki Master, what I need to do to release and deeply cleanse. Life is always the teacher for me yet I need as well to sometimes be the headmistress of my own destiny again so that I can embrace the future.

I still have both my parents living. They are over the seas, at home Downunder and since being in Germany I have not physically seen them as much as the adult me would like too.  They are separated and are both living in long-term relationships with other partners now. My father visited me once, in the twenty-six years I have been here with his partner while my mother has made several more trips once with my godmother and otherwise three times with her partner. So both are familiar with my “home” and the various pressure points I live with day in and out.

When first coming here I could rarely call home, as one minute telephoning cost then five Deutsch mark per minute so letter writing was the fashion of the day. Only catch was between writing, sending and getting a reply a time span of six weeks had gone by and so perhaps, had the situation I had written about. Now naturally everyone thinks that what with skype, mobile phones and the emailing system instant communication has become commonplace. Not being “in touch” or “out of reach” is not possible yet for many it still is. For me it is a theme by both my parents who are not contactable with all the above methods.

From all my years at boarding school I had a love hate relationship with my mother. She was the leading voice in sending me, as I saw it, away and I hated her for it. Let us say that she had very good reasons, made the absolute correct choice and I have worked through all the baggage I carried around in regards to her “not loving/wanting” me. Our relationship has never been on the level I desired but it is caring and active. She rings each month from a telephone booth. She is what we call a “grey nomad” in Australia - a retired, elderly citizen who lives in a caravan and travels Australia. She has a sickness that will leave her in a wheelchair eventually hence her partner and her made the decision years ago to rent or sell everything and be part of life, as long as she can move. What comes after wards they will deal with when it comes knocking at their door. With a large family on both of their sides, loads of friends and an active curiosity I said; “go for it” when she asked me what I thought. Her profession was bookkeeping so this meant she has a tendency to want all ends to be tied up and clear-cut. Hence her taking a computer course and purchasing a small laptop before hitting the road so that corresponding regularly with email when they hit a “hot spot”, would be an option open to her.

My father is the total opposite. He was by profession a General Hotel Manager for a large chain in New Zealand and Australia. He would go into their hotels that were not running effectively, fire everyone, re-set the buttons so to speak that required adjusting and get the business back on its feet. An active, fix-it manager of people and situations with hands on experience. He is also retired and lives in a retirement village with his partner doing what he adores - gardening. He has the most incredible green finger and is loved by the whole community for how he talks to the lush Queensland vegetation and gets it to go “his way”. He has always been my springboard for the spirituality of my native land, New Zealand. In understanding it, in learning how to control myself and direct my gift. We communicate without words. It drove my mother crazy and she wished dearly she had what we nourished but it was not of this world. Has never been. When she realized that, she then saw that her role towards me, was there for a different purpose. My Dad has a land line and that is it. He is rarely inside the house so it is a matter of luck if I reach him. I saw him in person last, in January 2009.

Last week I could not let go of the feeling I should call. “Hi there. How are you doing?” “Arrh, hello. Armmm ok.” “Have I caught you at a wrong time?” “Who is this? I don’t think …” Suddenly I realized someone was about to put the phone down! “Hey Dad! It’s me” “Korus, Korus is that you? Oh, ok ….” And so the conversation continued in a very stinted fashion. My dad seemed distanced, not fully there, at times confused or worried if he was really talking to me I felt. I was devastated because what I have known is happening, just reared its head and showed me what I am going to have to come to terms with. My Dad did not recognize me on the phone for the first time ever. My Dad has dementia. Just how advanced it is I cannot say for no one really gives me any concrete information. His partner is vague. Our daughter was there last year for several months and could fill me in on a lot.

This week I have been having fall, into my hands, so much information on Alzheimer’s disease and dementia, which has given me a rebalance of sorts. What it cannot give me is the fact I am loosing my mentor. The one person whom pushed me beyond my pain level, told me to get the job done, made me communicate, never said it was time to step away but more important to step up and keep at it till I dropped. He is there strongly in my dreamtime and it will be where I have to go more often, to talk with him but it makes it not one bit easier to know we are both getting old. I am loosing time. I have soon to say physically goodbye to my Dad. I have been told go home now to visit him. Do not wait. I will not be going. There are reasons for this that are important to me and stay only with me.

I had the most amazing three weeks with him in 2009. We sat one day watching the sunset over the ocean and saw it rise again the next day. We talked. We sang. We prayed. We felt our connection to all around us and I received so much information from him; I still am only understanding, how much today. At that time I said goodbye to the first man I gave my heart to and I was given the means to meet him on another plane. Only now it is time for me to use it and it hurts. I am devastated. I have to place into action acceptance of this fact. I thought I have learnt how to do this 1000 times over. Through my sicknesses, the undermining terror I have been subjected to from certain persons and a near death experience. Oh how much more is involved in taking on the fact we are only here for a short time span. We are to use the time wisely for when it is time to leave maybe it is only in spirit and the body will follow at a much later date.

Waste not what you are given, in regretting it not really being part of your life now. Accept we all age. Time makes this change a definite part of the equation of life. It will just be at different stages for each person. For some it will come earlier than for others. Find your way to communicate your love even when the band wave might be different than the ones you usually use. Do it while you can. Not when you have to. Then acceptance can be guided by your loving heart energy.

Your Koruswhispers

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Tēnā rawa atu koe - thank you very much for taking the time to share you thoughts with me, for I love hearing your views and comments to my blog. With deepest gratitude, Koruswhispers

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