Monday, 23 June 2014
Captured hope mingled with fear
a form of just missing you
Borage Bee bush
Comforting tonic oil extracted from your seeds
Lifts my melancholy
Allowing your strength to wash over me
Giving me a glimpse into the intuitive energy
lying dormant in the core of you.
I can’t see without glasses any more if the print is fine - that is font size twelve. I can’t tell if I should delete or save without squinting. I need reading support when writing bills otherwise I might add a null or subtract something, which could be great for you and horrific for me. Isn’t this crazy - well I think so but mostly if you mention this to your friends and family, they tell you it is normal when your getting old. Mmm. They should talk cause some of them have been in the category for years well before they passed the forty mark. It all depends what you term “getting to that point” I suppose. I have never really bothered with this term "getting old".
I am yes, at an age when certain bodily parts and functions need supporting - my poor weary eyes for instance love being clothed in sexy teacher specks. I need an extra holder up top, as my breasts take on another expansion with hormonal changes; though I do not need any form of trainer undies yet thank heavens. Only new knickers for a sexy feel, as my hips seem womanlier than I remember from a few years back.
I remember going at the tender age of twenty-two to a beautician, for what should have been a revitalizing facial and came out refusing to set foot in her area of relaxation den ever again. I had never heard within an hour’s space, so often about all the signs of aging that my face seemed to be displaying or desiring to. I studied my face intently back home, in my normal bathroom mirror and wondered if she felt this was a great way to gain a client or scare them forever away. I saw freckles, clear skin and a round face that still has stayed with me till today but no collapsing womanhood.
I started out running my own business with twenty-one and am still going strong with two extra work outlets on the side as well and plans to get this and that done over the next few months not because I feel I am running out of time, rather because I am finally realizing, what my time is.
To take time within your hands, to hold it as if this is the only moment you have; is easier said than done. For the push and pull, of society and obligations take away all good intensions. Leaving you often empty and numb, within a space that is glum if you let them over your doorstep. How do you shake the cobwebs off which others place within the corners of your mind? Like telling you your old before your time. Or lift the veil, clouding your view, as you try to sort out what is right for you at the present moment?
It requires a bit of developing the art of being a life connoisseur, for the eternal you within your self. A connoisseur is a person whom is acquainted with or knows somebody/something in great detail and is able to give expert advice upon this area. Who better to be a detailed expert in understanding what makes you tick than yourself? Perhaps that is why I often have been seen as outspoken or blunt in my manner, for I have known myself for a very long time (there is that definition of being “old hack” at seeing clearly) and this can sit rather uncomfortably with others. I have something to say. Oh heavens above we know that, several people I know would say now and I just smirk at their reaction. Why? Because I am only speaking out allowed what they so desire to say and do themselves, but are to scared to expose. They allow themselves to feel so small yet by doing so they do not yet know their own strength. I often think in retrospect upon my words or actions, as I was "younger" and realize I could have encased my reaction up in a silk cloth rather than in the potato sack I used. Yet I am what I am and whom I am, not because I see myself as old, worn out and ready for the compost. Rather for I have had time to look at the environment I have been placed in and acknowledge the illusion of the reality that is only playing out in our minds.
We are so scared in life to be who we wont to be. We watch our words, control our reactions and now I ask you why? I have a right to do so because I was created form the highest level of intelligence that it gives and he/she/it wants to express itself outside of the small level that we humans allow. This moment is the perfect space to take for expressing who I am and who you want to be - magnificent right? Why not? We desire to reach beyond what we have been born into. We strive to walk a pathway that seems foreign and yet designed just for us. We so often feel scared to step onto it. A life connoisseur hesitates not. They do not let societies restraints real or imagined place shackles on your ankles. If big brother wants to watch me then at least I can give him something to think about rather than follow my tail running in circles on the treadmill of normality.
A few of the little things I do in my daily routines I would love to share with you. Perhaps they are the small items you too could put into place to really make use of your time. Begin to clothe yourself in colours and clothes that make you feel vibrant. Fill your senses with natures paintings and perfumes. Move your body to the rhythms you feel deep within you. Quench your thirst with the water of life. Nourish your mind with food to satisfy. Provide strength for your system with substances that are full of vitality. Give yourself "own time" to just be. Give away smiles and thoughts of love to those you love as well as those you want nothing to do with. Speak out your truth but be soft in tone, for make the words brush the soul with lightness then they will be heard. Give yourself the chance to be a bearer of the moment, several times during your day and soon it will be the pathway you walk upon constantly; through thick and thin.
Individuality is the oldest asset one has in their core. Only few realize it. Even less use it. Instead most follow the crowd, thinking they are being unique within a set structure. If in a splinter of a second you could brake out and really be YOU would you take the time to step out of line? If so I know you would never want to join the uniformed march again. For expressing yourself truly is intoxicating and being what you were born to be is hard work but rewarding in ways one can hardly describe.
When I was twelve I was asked in religion class to write a speech on “would I stand up against the devil when he came and asked me if I was prepared to die for my family?” My relationship to they way I view religion has changed a lot since then but my answer would still be the same although I would just formulate the question differently. “If your ego looked within you to find your core self and ask gentle does it want to be seen, what would you say?” Then my answer to that would be; “Yes I want to see my core self be the expansion of spirit, in all its forms and I would allow any part of me to die, so that another could be born to grow to a higher level of pure self expression, to further love, compassion, peace and harmony for all of my family - human, animal and planet, upon mother earth”.
I might not be able to read clearly without my glasses but I can visualize one hundred percent the beauty of aging with wisdom as my companion. Then I can drink from the fountain of eternal youth and ask you to sip with me too.
Thursday, 19 June 2014
A wedding is something that can have us in quiet a flip wondering what to wear, then there’s the thought of a gift, what about our participating on the evening too; should we read a poem, tell a funny story or perhaps put together a theatre performance? Can we remember all the names of both family sides and how is it if we don’t like the food or feel out of place? I am sure when you are invited to a wedding there could be many other odds and ends you wonder about. I find I have not often had the pleasure of needing to go through this mind turmoil. I can actually count the weddings I have attended fully (service and reception in one) on one hand including mine!
My first encounter with love and the binding of two souls for eternity was by my Aunt and Uncles union. It was in Australia. I was five years of age. I wore a muslin cotton, white sundress and had a daisy chain crown in my hair. I remember I had light, lemon coloured sandals with large plastic, yellow daises on them. What also stays as clear as day in my mind is the white wicket basket I carried filled with real white and yellow daises. I was the flower girl and walked in front of my favourite Aunt scattering these blooms on the ground as she walked bare footed upon them with her love floating around her in a halo of light. I wanted so badly too to feel the silky petals beneath my feet. I thought this was so cool and wanted to move like the wind and be a hippy too, as it seemed to involve being “just you”.
The second wedding I attended had me closing our business for the first time during opening hours, on a Saturday night, and taking along my family to be the only representatives of my brother’s relatives at his marriage ceremony. My husband and two small children all let me choose our outfits so I carefully sewed our daughter’s flowing, layered dress and sons vest and flyer. We all wore vibrant cornflower blue and tones of light smoky grey. Shadings of still waters that had a depth that went beyond what you saw upon the surface. I was the older sister who was doing what I had been given to do, from the moment my brother was born - from the age of seven I was both parent and sibling to him. I chatted in my newly acquired second language to his “new” family, gave the speech required at the reception and felt rather chuffed at managing what I had been doing for years - being the responsible one. It was not an event I remember with real joy from my side. It held for me pressure and constrictions, which I dealt with but wanted not to be really involved in.
The third wedding was of my husband’s best friend, which was actually planned around us! With us rarely having normal working hours, his best friend gave my Darls several dates he and his fiancé were looking at to plan their commitment and said “ok mate on the one you both can be with us, that is the date we will choose!” One of the dates was in our holiday time and this was booked. So we could not only attend a beautiful days celebration of deep love but also stay with the wedding party overnight, in a lovely hotel and have breakfast with the whole family the next morning. This wedding was a second chance for both parties and was an collaboration of two sets of children embracing the love they saw in their parents hearts and blessing it with song, dance, laughter and their dedication to being part of both lives, by giving their time in unity. It was a wedding that held a lot of pure, raw emotions from knowing what it means to be loved for who you are, as you are, for what you are. I felt as if I belonged to a collection of souls who all spoke the same intuitive language, looking together towards the same sunrise on the horizon.
This weekend we attended our fourth wedding. A couple our age that have followed the restraints of study then career to achieve all their own set levels of academic aspirations; found later in age love, which they realized could also be part of their life plan. One partner is from Switzerland, the other from Germany. Two different nationalities yet both speaking the same ground tone, with differences still clearly to be seen in their form of upbringing and societies traits. A bonding held on a foundation of deep beliefs and traditions, which include empathy, hope and space to be who they are, within a modern society where the backbone need not include matrimony for which they have chosen. They have a strong family pulling behind them for all eternity and they also have a deep respect, for the person they have taken the hand of, to step forward as one.
So different bonds of marriage coupling, make me reflect on my own twenty-seven years of tenderly holding, within my hands, my partner’s desires and individual wishes, working upon our joint ventures and not losing me in the process. I often feel like a dinosaur lately which is partly due to the greying hairs, realization I do not want to be mutton dressed as lamb and the fact I am into cultivating the journey of stepping carefully upon the ground I walk upon due to being in the now, not desiring the future to pressure in upon me. Yet when I reflect back on these weddings, each had an aspect of my own development as a person tucked within the folds of the various wedding gowns. Hope, compassion, desire, love, respect, realization life is not always an ice cream Sunday and that at times others are wanted within the framework of your life, so to have a support system that can be uplifting.
These weddings I attended all reminded me, we are living only in the present moment in which we stand. Unwrap the gift that is given to you now. Wait not until you feel it has to be, because disease forces you to tie up legalities. Think not upon traditions as being the binding but rather as the supporting branches for you to expand your horizons. Take on the moment as a possibility to explore a part of you not yet developed. Join in union, to support one another and develop further who you are.
Weddings are wonderful opportunities to embrace all the differences within each of us and often they cause havoc. Perhaps that is the reason tears can flow so easily when you see two people promise to love and honor one another’s soul, for at a funeral you do not have the chance to look over into the departed eyes and state you could not do so. Then you feel you need to give reverence to what was and what you can never fix. A wedding is the opposite - it gives you the chance to take on the now, the probable desired route of the future and feel hopeful.
Weddings and funerals have a single item that is common to us all though - they are events we provide an attitude of mannerism to. Time doesn’t wait for you so long, to think about how and when or what if, by a funeral, like at the preparation for a wedding yet both have this similar procedure. Invite the family, long standing friends, business associates and perhaps an acquaintance or two for it is expected. Habitual gestures or ways of speaking or behaving placed before the heart.
What if we treated rather our unions of love as declarations of being present now, to create a well-being stand for the soul, mind and bodily health within our own lives; that can then spill over into society and perhaps even leave traces within humanity when we have gone from this earth? Would we then embrace the essence of what we teach our young - respect life by everyone and thing, for it is the highest gift you have been given. Honour it. Hold it in reverence. Be more than just yourself and expand beyond the singular into the couple, group, community intertwined. Create a wellbeing here on earth now through wedding your thoughts to your actions to reach beyond where you stand, to that which seems impossible then your view becomes wider than you thought and you can then see a means to climb higher to where your dreams lie. Be the groom of the bride within your own household. Bind love and personal integrity with the female and male inside yourself, to celebrate the never-ending cycle of life. Joining your heart energy to your voice, to create a hymen of prosperity for all.
The love story of creating a new world order could begin with a simple phase - If you could marry yourself would you say, “I do”?
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