Have I ever
told you Mum that I now understand? The why and how, decisions where made or
routes taken and travel plans changed. That I see the outline behind the story
and appreciate today the way it unfolded. We end our conversations now on the
phone with “I love you” and that has become the norm but it is not without
substance anymore, as I see the woman whom took on a role she had perhaps no
idea just how much it would entail.
You bore the
decision to have me Mum even though your time for youthful play was still in
full bloom. My decision to make an appearance into this world had not been the
plan you had devised for yourself. I picked you. You did not want me. I did not
make the waiting time easier either, as I tested your resilience, robbing you
of your healthy stand as I took all I could. And as I began my entrance into
this world I ripped almost the last strength of life from your body, for days
at a time and still you gave me all the hope you could, by giving me my life.
You gave me so
often the willies while I was growing up Mum. Telling me how to dress, what to
say and giving me instructions on which manner I should react to this and that.
Often I bite back at you with an acidity-laced tongue that coated the
atmosphere with words, which could never be taken back. They burned a hole in
our relationship. Hurting deep to the bone. Yet still you loved me even when
mine tipped. You never gave up on me, though I turned my back to you.
You longed Mum
for a deeper relationship when I was a young adult. I felt no connection any
more to the person who was on another plane than me. We had drifted so far
apart, due to my growing up in a home away from you. Neither understood the
other. I had no clue which area to place you in my life, for you had lived on
the fringes of it only. Being there always while I looked the other way. You
pulled on my sympathies with your aliments and cries. I had to give up my life
as a young adult, to nurse you. I was annoyed by the demands. The
responsibilities it brought. Felt myself being expected to give what I had
never felt given – sympathy. I became your carer and you pushed me by giving me
more than I wanted to take on. A thanks was never heard. I felt used yet was
this any different to my choosing how to get into this world?
You had no life
with your grandchildren as they grew up in a foreign land. Just the occasional
photo came in the post reminding you there would be no visits or cuddles for a
granny left out in the cold. No young life in the house. No plans for the
weekend involving a soccer match or swimming heat. Your words on celebration
cards to them, had no face behind the words, no persona. I tried to make them
understand you cared about their lives but they had a grandmother here who gave
them instant time and love Mum, against the phantom thought of another’s, whom
they could not feel. You must have been deeply hurt yet you never showed your
grief or pain. You sent in misplaced gifts your spirit too two souls you longed
to see. We all felt let down – each unable to see the others stand or
appreciate what we had. Yet you gave as best you could, never stopping to keep
in contact.
I had such
issues with you, which made me almost insane, as I searched for the reasons and
tried in vain to get away from the pattern laid out there. Break what felt at
times were old worn out iron chains of restrictions and complaints. So I went
to the place no one feels much like stepping into, the fundament of our makeup,
the egoistic stand of our framework, the “I” and took apart our relationship to
understand what it all meant. For me now as a mother I wanted the total
opposite of all I had been given. Dissolve the schema or traits of the
forefathers so as to give my children an unburdened ground on which to tread. A
chance for something new to grow. What I did shook unconsciously a lot of souls
and it was hard going and for me soul searching. It was a very needed deep
healing, on levels unseen, which I had the back bone to do even if it would
cost me a part of my health and a family relationship or two.
Though you
never knew how I worked holistically with “us”, it chanced so much. I saw and
understood about your pain while growing up. The life steps you took. The reasons
behind your way of handling situations became apparent to me and I could accept
you. You gave me early on what I would need to survive in the life I have taken
on. You made me independent and very strong. How blessed I am to have had and
still have such a mothers love. Unconditionally given. Never weaning. It might
be different than I had desired yet it was suited perfectly to me, even if this
has taken me a while to see.
So Mum thank
you for being you, with all those twists and edges too. For never giving up on
me. Having such stead fast belief that I could always look after myself hence
giving me the freedom to create and go beyond where you went. Enabling my
children, your grandchildren to reach levels neither of us could have dreamt.
You are accepted for who you are. You are understood. I appreciate your
decisions and respect what you did.
I look at my
aging hands and I see yours. I
hear my words and your voice is there. I move along my pathway and I feel your
footsteps just behind me. Your presence is in my pores. You are part of me. It
has always been so and how glad I am today it is this way. For you are dearly
loved by me. And I am so deeply grateful to call you my Mum. I love you Mum.
Your Koruswhispers
