Saturday, 9 May 2015

A letter to my Mum

Have I ever told you Mum that I now understand? The why and how, decisions where made or routes taken and travel plans changed. That I see the outline behind the story and appreciate today the way it unfolded. We end our conversations now on the phone with “I love you” and that has become the norm but it is not without substance anymore, as I see the woman whom took on a role she had perhaps no idea just how much it would entail.

You bore the decision to have me Mum even though your time for youthful play was still in full bloom. My decision to make an appearance into this world had not been the plan you had devised for yourself. I picked you. You did not want me. I did not make the waiting time easier either, as I tested your resilience, robbing you of your healthy stand as I took all I could. And as I began my entrance into this world I ripped almost the last strength of life from your body, for days at a time and still you gave me all the hope you could, by giving me my life.

You gave me so often the willies while I was growing up Mum. Telling me how to dress, what to say and giving me instructions on which manner I should react to this and that. Often I bite back at you with an acidity-laced tongue that coated the atmosphere with words, which could never be taken back. They burned a hole in our relationship. Hurting deep to the bone. Yet still you loved me even when mine tipped. You never gave up on me, though I turned my back to you.

You longed Mum for a deeper relationship when I was a young adult. I felt no connection any more to the person who was on another plane than me. We had drifted so far apart, due to my growing up in a home away from you. Neither understood the other. I had no clue which area to place you in my life, for you had lived on the fringes of it only. Being there always while I looked the other way. You pulled on my sympathies with your aliments and cries. I had to give up my life as a young adult, to nurse you. I was annoyed by the demands. The responsibilities it brought. Felt myself being expected to give what I had never felt given – sympathy. I became your carer and you pushed me by giving me more than I wanted to take on. A thanks was never heard. I felt used yet was this any different to my choosing how to get into this world?

You had no life with your grandchildren as they grew up in a foreign land. Just the occasional photo came in the post reminding you there would be no visits or cuddles for a granny left out in the cold. No young life in the house. No plans for the weekend involving a soccer match or swimming heat. Your words on celebration cards to them, had no face behind the words, no persona. I tried to make them understand you cared about their lives but they had a grandmother here who gave them instant time and love Mum, against the phantom thought of another’s, whom they could not feel. You must have been deeply hurt yet you never showed your grief or pain. You sent in misplaced gifts your spirit too two souls you longed to see. We all felt let down – each unable to see the others stand or appreciate what we had. Yet you gave as best you could, never stopping to keep in contact.

I had such issues with you, which made me almost insane, as I searched for the reasons and tried in vain to get away from the pattern laid out there. Break what felt at times were old worn out iron chains of restrictions and complaints. So I went to the place no one feels much like stepping into, the fundament of our makeup, the egoistic stand of our framework, the “I” and took apart our relationship to understand what it all meant. For me now as a mother I wanted the total opposite of all I had been given. Dissolve the schema or traits of the forefathers so as to give my children an unburdened ground on which to tread. A chance for something new to grow. What I did shook unconsciously a lot of souls and it was hard going and for me soul searching. It was a very needed deep healing, on levels unseen, which I had the back bone to do even if it would cost me a part of my health and a family relationship or two.

Though you never knew how I worked holistically with “us”, it chanced so much. I saw and understood about your pain while growing up. The life steps you took. The reasons behind your way of handling situations became apparent to me and I could accept you. You gave me early on what I would need to survive in the life I have taken on. You made me independent and very strong. How blessed I am to have had and still have such a mothers love. Unconditionally given. Never weaning. It might be different than I had desired yet it was suited perfectly to me, even if this has taken me a while to see.

So Mum thank you for being you, with all those twists and edges too. For never giving up on me. Having such stead fast belief that I could always look after myself hence giving me the freedom to create and go beyond where you went. Enabling my children, your grandchildren to reach levels neither of us could have dreamt. You are accepted for who you are. You are understood. I appreciate your decisions and respect what you did.

I look at my aging hands and I see yours.  I hear my words and your voice is there. I move along my pathway and I feel your footsteps just behind me. Your presence is in my pores. You are part of me. It has always been so and how glad I am today it is this way. For you are dearly loved by me. And I am so deeply grateful to call you my Mum. I love you Mum.


Your Koruswhispers

The Listener

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